I have deleted and rewritten this post now 4 times. I am sick of writing so I am going to just put it out there in a harder/ untrimmed version that you as adults can review and take in as you see fit... Here we go.
I feel like shit. Absolute, total, shit. As I said... Untrimmed.
How am I supposed to feel? On a daily bases I get emails asking how my wife and new baby are from customers that do not know the story. Even better from some asshole (untrimmed) or asshole'et at the grocery store, mall, or coffee shop asking Molly when she is due.
Molly and I started counseling last week and I find it to be soothing. I have always found it easy to share my feelings but those of you who know me when I am mad, sad, or overwhelmed I shut down and compartmentalize. I have somewhere along the line leaned to avoid conflict at all costs. Loosing Evelyn has overwhelmed my system and I am unable to box away my sadness and function as if nothing was wrong.
Something is very wrong, if fact everything is wrong.
I do not have a child this Christmas. I am avoiding a room of my house. I am having a hard time not crying during the day. I am really broken.
I have tried to distract myself with a number of things. I find that work is helping the most and the least at times. At the end of each day the result is the same and the feeling of "better" is nowhere in sight. This week we learned that our time of grieving needs to be ours. Molly and I grieve differently but we are learning to adjust and support each other and that over time we may not be "better" but be able to cope with the loss in a way that lets our everyday return to some sense of "normal".
I use the word "normal" because I am finding a new sense of what "normal" is. I do not want to return to the life I lived before Evelyn but use her life as a starting point that Molly and I can begin a new. I was so happy before my baby left us and I would like to not return to that level of happiness but exceed it by doing things that make us happy. Children, time together, Rock climbing, love, and church are all in that picture. Facebook is not. Facebook did nothing to increase my happiness nor did it Molly's therefore it is OUT, COOKIES are in.